12425 - Established June, 2013 - all GRiSO, all the time...
 
HomeFAQRegisterLog in

Share | 
 

 Just Jokes!

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10  Next
AuthorMessage
tocino
Nibbio
Nibbio


Posts : 556
Join date : 2014-06-21

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Aug 19, 2015 6:42 am

Then they hit the bar and the proton ordered 6 drinks. The neutrino looked at him and asked "Are you sure?". The proton replied "I'm positive!"
Back to top Go down
Blue
Nibbio
Nibbio


Posts : 816
Join date : 2014-08-18
Age : 52

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Sep 08, 2015 4:56 am

I knew the weather would be nice at the Transvestite Parade

After all, the sun always shines on TVs
Back to top Go down
waterbottle
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 1036
Join date : 2015-02-02
Age : 55

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Thu Sep 17, 2015 7:46 pm

Things we Hated as Children : Getting Spanked and taking Naps Crying or Very sad

Things we Love as Adults : Getting Spanked and taking Naps Twisted Evil
Back to top Go down
Blue
Nibbio
Nibbio


Posts : 816
Join date : 2014-08-18
Age : 52

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Sep 18, 2015 1:46 am

A husband & wife take in an 18 year old lodger,she asked the wife if she could take a bath, they didnt have a bath but she suggested that she could fill an old tin bath in the kitchen for her & Monday night would be the best night as her husband played darts on Monday's & the young girl readily agreed.
When she stripped off to have her bath the wife noticed that she didnt have any pubic hair.She mentioned this to her husband who said I would like to see that so the wife said don't go to darts next Monday. I will leave the curtain slightly open so you can peek through the window from the garden.Next Monday the girl was having her bath the wife mentioned her lack of pubic hair & the girl said none had ever grown she then asked the wife if she had pubic hair the wife pulled up her nightie & showed her great mass of pubic hair.Later on that night when her husband got home he asked the wife why she showed off her pubic hair the wife said its nothing you haven't seen before! Yes, the husband said, but the darts team hadn't.
Back to top Go down
waterbottle
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 1036
Join date : 2015-02-02
Age : 55

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Sep 18, 2015 2:18 pm

Our neighbours dog Shat in our garden, so my mum told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.
I don't see what that solved....... we've still got dog shit in our garden and now the neighbours have our shovel Rolling Eyes
Back to top Go down
Earl of Portchester
Carlotto
Carlotto


Posts : 49
Join date : 2015-06-29
Age : 48

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Sep 30, 2015 1:42 am

I went into a record shop and asked if they had anything by The Doors
He said "Yes a plant and a fire blanket"
Back to top Go down
GHTE
Tanabuso
Tanabuso


Posts : 75
Join date : 2015-02-09
Age : 63

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sun Oct 04, 2015 11:01 pm

A husband bet his wife she could not make him happy and sad at the same time.
She responded: "Darling I can honestly say you have the biggest penis of all of your friends".
Back to top Go down
Street
Nibbio
Nibbio


Posts : 887
Join date : 2013-05-29
Age : 57

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Thu Oct 22, 2015 5:13 pm

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the little girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's balls.

"Little partner," the firefighter said "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Back to top Go down
bahamazoo
Don Abbondio
Don Abbondio


Posts : 163
Join date : 2015-08-09
Age : 52

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Oct 23, 2015 2:42 am

I see that England has secured its place for the upcoming Rugby World Cup Final.





In front of the TV...
Back to top Go down
Blue
Nibbio
Nibbio


Posts : 816
Join date : 2014-08-18
Age : 52

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Oct 27, 2015 3:36 am

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake
drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch two short.
Back to top Go down
ghezzi
Fra Cristoforo
Fra Cristoforo


Posts : 1692
Join date : 2014-05-22
Age : 59

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Oct 27, 2015 4:22 am

Valentino Rossi!
Back to top Go down
http://www.biketowbrisbane.com.au
Blue
Nibbio
Nibbio


Posts : 816
Join date : 2014-08-18
Age : 52

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Oct 27, 2015 4:37 am

ghezzi wrote:
Valentino Rossi!

saffenraffenmutley...............

So what you do as an experienced Moto GP champion is keep quiet. All of the little up and coming whipper snappers can do all they want, but you are on form and things is looking pretty rosie. But no, it is getting your 'GOAT' so you have to say stuff at the press release...............comes the race and now stuff has been said you are under the microscope. So something you may have got away with as a 'racing incident' now brings you a fine.

Not saying I do not respect Rossi, but he sorta shot himself in the foot there.

just sayin loike....
Back to top Go down
little750
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 194
Join date : 2014-05-07
Age : 61

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Oct 27, 2015 5:00 am

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Back to top Go down
Tolle09
Don Abbondio
Don Abbondio


Posts : 234
Join date : 2014-10-07
Age : 53

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Oct 28, 2015 11:59 am

Dirty boys geek
Back to top Go down
waterbottle
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 1036
Join date : 2015-02-02
Age : 55

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Oct 28, 2015 7:59 pm

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.][You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]" />
Back to top Go down
Oz1200Guzzi
Don Abbondio
Don Abbondio


Posts : 1773
Join date : 2014-03-13
Age : 62

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Thu Oct 29, 2015 1:58 pm

Here's some oldies but goodies - they still apply equally across all (well nearly all) worksites... That means there is something for everyone!

MURPHY'S LAW
   If anything can go wrong, it will.

O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY
   Murphy was an optimist.

MURPHY'S FIRST COROLLARY
   Nothing is as easy as it looks.

MURPHY'S SECOND COROLLARY
   Everything takes longer than you think.

MURPHY'S THIRD COROLLARY
   If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

MURPHY'S FOURTH COROLLARY
   Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

MURPHY'S FIFTH COROLLARY
   Every solution breeds new problems.

MURPHY'S SIXTH COROLLARY
   It is impossible to make anything fool proof because fools are so ingenious.

MURPHY'S SEVENTH COROLLARY
   Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

MURPHY'S EIGHTH COROLLARY
   Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

MURPHY'S CONSTANT
   Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

HILL'S COMMENTARIES ON MURPHY'S LAW
   1. If we have much to lose by having things go wrong, take all possible care.
   2. If we have nothing to lose, relax.
   3. If we have everything to gain, relax.
   4. If it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.

BOLING'S POSTULATE
   If you're feeling good, don't worry - you'll get over it.

MURPHY'S LAW OF MULTIPLES
   If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.


THE ORDERING PRINCIPLE
   The supplies necessary for yesterday's work must be ordered no later then noon tomorrow.

CHISHOLM'S LAW
   When things just can't get any worse, they will.

CHISHOLM'S COMMENTARY
   Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

SCOTT'S FIRST LAW
   No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.

SCOTT'S SECOND LAW
   When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.

FINAGLE'S FIRST LAW
   If an experiment works, something has gone wrong

FINAGLE'S SECOND LAW
   No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to
   (a) Misinterpret it;
   (b) Fake it; or
   (c) Believe it happened to his own pet theory.

FINAGLE'S THIRD LAW
   In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

COROLLARIES
   1. No one whom you ask for help will see it.
   2. Everyone who stops by with unsought advice will see it immediately.

FINAGLE'S FOURTH LAW
   Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

WINGO'S AXIOM
   All Finagle's Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing without thinking.

SIMON'S LAW
   Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.

GUMPERSON'S LAW
   The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.


ISSAWI'S LAWS OF PROGRESS
   The Course of Progress:
     Most things get steadily worse.
   The Path of Progress:
     A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.

MURPHY'S LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS
   Things get worse under pressure.

THE UNSPEAKABLE LAW
   As soon as you mention something....
     ... if it's good, it goes away.
     ... if it's bad, it happens.

STURGEON'S LAW
   90% of everything is crud.

STOCKMAYER'S THEOREM
   If it looks easy, it's tough.
   If it looks tough, it's impossible.

COMMONER'S SECOND LAW OF ECOLOGY
   Nothing ever goes away.

HOWE'S LAW
   Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

GINSBERG'S THEOREM
   1. You can't win;
   2. You can't break even;
   3. You can't even quit the game.

RUDIN'S LAW
   In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.

ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING
   (System Dynamics:)
   Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a larger can.

NON-RECIPROCAL LAWS OF EXPECTATIONS
   Negative expectations yield negative results.
   Positive expectations yield negative results.

HARPER'S MAGAZINE LAW
   You never find an article until you replace it.


RICHARD'S COMPLIMENTARY RULES OF OWNERSHIP
   1. If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
   2. If you throw it away, you will need it the next day.

LEWIS' LAW
   No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

PERLSWEIG'S LAW
   People who can least afford to pay rent, pay rent. People who can most afford to pay rent, build up equity.

McCLAUGHRY'S LAW OF ZONING
   Where zoning is not needed, it will work perfectly. Where it is desperately needed, it will always break down.

FIRST LAW OF BICYCLING
   No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.

THE AIRPLANE LAW
   When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

GLYME'S FORMULA
   The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

FIRST LAW OF BRIDGE
   It's always the partner's fault.

HARTLEY'S LAW FOR LOVERS
   Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

RULE OF FELINE FRUSTRATION
   When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.

LIEBERMAN'S LAW
   Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

BOOB'S LAW
   You always find something the last place you look.

WADES EXPLANATION
   Once you've found it, you quit looking!

OSBORN'S LAW
   Variables won't; constants aren't.


PUDDER'S LAW
   Anything that begins well ends badly,
   Anything that begins badly ends worse.

ILES'S LAW
   There is always an easier way to do it.

COROLLARY
   When looking directly at the easier way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.

LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITY
   An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

JENNING'S COROLLARY
   The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

SATTINGER'S LAW
   It works better if you plug it in.

FIRST LAW OF REVISION
   Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after- and only after - the plans are complete. (Often called the "Now they tell us!" Law).

LAW OF APPLIED CONFUSION
   The piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one that supports 75% of the balance of the shipment.

   COROLLARY
   Not only did the plant forget to ship it, 50% of the time they haven't even made it.

SECOND LAW OF APPLIED CONFUSION
   Truck  deliveries that normally take one day will take five when you are waiting for the truck.

JOHNSON'S FIRST LAW
   When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time.

LAW OF THE LOST INCH
   In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:40 p.m. Friday

   COROLLARY
   The correct total will become self-evident at 9:01 a.m. on Monday.


LOWERY'S LAW
   If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

EHRMAN'S COMMENTARY
   1. Things get worse before they get better.
   2. Who said things would get better?

SHAW'S PRINCIPAL
   Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

LUBARSKY'S LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY
   There is always one more bug.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP
   Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.

LAW OF ANNOYANCE
   When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you're finished with, you will need it instantly.

SCHMIDT'S LAW
   If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.

HORNER'S FIVE THUMB POSTULATE
   Experience varies directly with the equipment ruined.

CAHN'S AXIOM
   When all else fails, read the instructions.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF FORCE
   Don't force it; get a larger hammer.

MURPHY'S LAW OF RESEARCH
   Enough research will tend to support your theory.

MAIER"s LAW
   If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

WILLIAMS AND HOLLAND'S LAW
   If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods.

YOUNG'S LAW
   All great discoveries are made by mistake.

COROLLARY
   The greater the funding, the longer it takes to make the mistake.


RULE OF ACCURACY
   When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

HOARE'S LAW OF LARGE PROBLEMS
   Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.

MR. COOPER'S LAW
   If you do not understand a particular word in a piece of technical writing, ignore it. The piece will make perfect sense without it.

STEELE'S PHILOSOPHY
   Everybody should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink.

STEWART'S LAW OF RETROACTION
   It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

HARRIS' LAMENT
   All the good ones are taken.

LAWS OF GARDENING
   1. Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens;
   2. Fancy gizmos don't work;
   3. If nobody uses it, there's a reason

JONES' LAW
   The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.

TRUMAN'S LAW
   If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

FIRST LAW OF DEBATE
   Never argue with a fool - people might not know the difference.

WORKER'S DILEMMA
   1. No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough;
   2. What you don't do is always more important than what you do

SECOND LAW OF COMMITTO-DYNAMICS
   The less you enjoy serving on committees, the more likely you are to be pressed to do so.

SHANNAHAN'S LAW
   The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present.

OLD AND KAHN'S LAW
   The efficiency of a committee meeting is inversely proportional to the number of participants and the time spent on deliberations.
RULE OF THE GREAT
   When somebody you greatly admire and respect appears to be thinking deep thoughts, they are probably thinking about lunch.

MILLER'S LAW
   You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it.

WELLINGTON'S LAW OF COMMAND
   The cream rises to the top - So does the scum.

BOREN'S LAWS
   1. When in doubt, mumble;
   2. When in trouble, delegate;
   3. When in charge, ponder

COLE'S LAW
   Thinly sliced cabbage.

PATTON'S LAW
   A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

WEINBERG'S FIRST LAW
   Progress is made on alternate Fridays.

PAULG'S LAW
   In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.

THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
   Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

WESTHEIMER'S RULE
   To estimate the time it takes to do a task, estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus we allocate 2 days for a one-hour task.

PARKINSON'S SECOND LAW
   Expenditures rise to meet income.

WIKER'S LAW
   Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.

PARKINSON'S LAW OF DELAY
   Delay is the deadliest form of denial.

CHEOP'S LAW
   Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

NINETY-NINETY RULE OF PROJECT SCHEDULES
   The first ninety per cent of the task takes ninety per cent of the time, and the last ten per cent takes the other ninety per cent.

LEVY'S NINTH LAW
   Only God can make a random selection.

GRESHAM'S LAW
   Trivial matters are handled promptly; important matters are never solved.

THE MURPHY PHILOSOPHY
   Smile ... tomorrow will be worse.

MARKS' LAW
   A fool and your money are soon partners.

LAW OF INSTITUTIONS
   The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

JUHANI'S LAW
   The compromise will always be more expensive than either of the suggestions it is compromising.

JOHN'S COLLATERAL COROLLARY
   In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.

REVEREND CHICHESTER'S LAWS
   1. If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down;
   2. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down;
   3. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, church attendances will exceed all expectations.

MALEK'S LAW
   Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.

O'BRIEN'S PRINCIPAL (THE $357.73 THEORY)
   Auditors always reject any expense account with a bottom line divisible by 5 or 10.

WEILER'S LAW
   Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

WEINBERG'S SECOND LAW
   If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

THEORY OF SELECTIVE SUPERVISION
   The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time the Boss walks through the office.


BARTH'S DISTINCTION
   There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.

FIRST LAW OF SOCIO-GENETICS
   Celibacy is not hereditary.

MR. COLE'S AXIOM
   The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

CANADA BILL JONES' MOTTO
   It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

JONES' MOTTO
   Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

McCLAUGHRY'S CODICIL ^TO JONES' MOTTO
   To make an enemy, do someone a favour.

NEWTON'S LITTLE-KNOWN SEVENTH LAW
   A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

O'REILLY'S LAW OF THE KITCHEN
   Cleanliness is next to impossible.

JENKINSON'S LAW
   It won't work.

HAMILTON'S RULE FOR CLEANING GLASSWARE
   The spot you are scrubbing is always on the other side.

WALKER'S LAW OF THE HOUSEHOLD
   There is always more dirty laundry than clean laundry.

CLIVE'S REBUTTAL TO WALKER'S LAW
   If it's clean, it isn't laundry.

SKOFF'S LAW
   A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

FIRST LAW OF KITCHEN CONFUSION
   In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, the most vital measurement will be illegible.

SECOND LAW OF KITCHEN CONFUSION
   Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it only makes it worse.


THIRD LAW OF KITCHEN CONFUSION
   You are always complimented on the item which took the least effort to prepare.

   EXAMPLE
   If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be complimented on the baked potato.

FOURTH LAW OF KITCHEN CONFUSION
   The one ingredient you make a special trip to the store to get will be the one your guest is allergic to.

CAPTAIN PENNY'S LAW
   You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool MOM.

BEIFELD'S PRINCIPLE
   The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of
   (1) A date;
   (2) His wife;
   (3) A better looking and richer male friend

LYNCH'S LAW
   When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.

EVANS AND BJORN'S LAW
   No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would.

HELLRUNG'S LAW
   If you wait, it will go away.

SHAVELSON'S EXTENSION
   ... having done its damage.

GRELB'S ADDITION
   If it was bad, it'll be back.

DUCHARME'S PRECEPT
   Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

FLUGG'S LAW
   When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the world's composed of aluminium and vinyl.

LAW OF THE SEARCH
   The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.

MARYANN'S LAW
   You can always find what you're not looking for.

RUNE'S RULE
   If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.

FURGUSON'S PRECEPT
   A crisis is when you can't say let's forget the whole thing.

NAESER'S LAW
   You can make it fool proof, but you can't make it damn-fool proof.

IMBESI'S LAW OF THE CONSERVATION OF FILTH
   In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty.

FREEMAN'S EXTENSION
   ... but you can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.

GROSSMAN'S MISQUOTE OF H.L.MENCKEN
   Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.

EDELSTEIN'S ADVICE
   Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.

FIRST LAW OF TRAVEL
   It always takes longer to get there than to get back.

CAFETERIA LAW
   The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in will be taken by the person in front of you.

ETORRE'S OBSERVATION
   The other line is always faster.

O'BRIEN'S VARIATION ON ETORRE'S OBSERVATION
   If you change lines, the one you just left will start to move faster than the one you are now in.

KENTON'S COROLLARY
   Switching back screws up both lines and makes everybody angry.

THE QUEUE PRINCIPLE
   The longer you wait in line, the greater likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.

FLUGG'S RULE
   The slowest checker is always at the quick check-out lane.


WITTEN'S LAW
   Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a need for them an hour later.

THOM'S LAW OF MARITAL BLISS
   The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding.

MURRAY'S FIRST RULE OF THE ARENA
   Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by firing the coach.

MURRAY'S SECOND RULE OF THE ARENA
   A free agent is anything but.

MURRAY'S THIRD RULE OF THE ARENA
   Whatever can go to New York, will.

KNOX'S PRINCIPAL OF STAR QUALITY
   Whenever a superstar is traded to your favourite team, he fades. Whenever your team trades away a useless no-name, he immediately rises to stardom.

LAVIA'S LAW OF TENNIS
   A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or her opposition.

THE RULE OF THE RALLY
   The only way to make up for being lost is to make record time while you are lost.

HUTCHINSON'S LAW
   If a situation requires undivided attention, it will occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction.

JONES' LAW OF ZOOS AND MUSEUMS
   The most interesting specimen will not be labelled.

HARRISON'S POSTULATE
   For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

PERKINS' POSTULATE
   The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

LOFTUS' FIFTH LAW OF MANAGEMENT
   Some people manage by the book even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

HECHT'S FOURTH LAW
   There's no time like the present for postponing what you don't want to do.


PARKINSON'S FIFTH LAW
   If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.

ROGER'S RULE
   Authorization for a project will be granted only when none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project fails, but when all of the authorizers can claim credit if it succeeds.

MOLLISOMN'S BUREAUCRACY HYPOTHESIS
   If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented, it wasn't worth doing.

GOURD'S AXIOM
   A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

WHISTLER'S LAW
   You never know who's right, but you always know who's in charge.

LOFTUS' THEORY ON PERSONNEL RECRUITMENT
   Far away talent always seems better then home-developed talent.

FIRST RULE OF NEGATIVE ANTICIPATION
   You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you don't burn your bridges until you come to them.

PORKINGHAM'S FIRST LAW OF SPORT FISHING
   The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.

PORKINGHAM'S SECOND LAW OF SPORT FISHING
   The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing season draws nearer.

PORKINGHAM'S THIRD LAW OF SPORT FISHING
   The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
   COROLLARY
   The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater chance of having to stop at the fish market on the way home.

SPENCER'S LAWS OF DATA
   1. Anyone can make a decision given enough facts;
   2. A good manager can make a decision without enough facts;
   3. A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance

DREW'S LAW OF PROFESSIONAL PRACTICE
   The client who pays the least complains the most.

THAL'S LAW
   For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.


DINGLE'S LAW
   When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it around instead of picking it up.

LAW OF PROBABLE DISPERSAL
   Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

JOE'S LAW
   The inside contact that you have developed at great expense is the first person to be let go in any reorganization.

PFEIFER'S PRINCIPLE
   Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.

LAW OF RERUNS
   If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

KITMAN'S LAW
   Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.

SWIPPLE RULE OF ORDER
   He who shouts loudest has the floor.

MATILDA'S LAW OF SUB-COMMITTEE FORMATION
   If you leave the room, you're elected.

HARDIN'S LAW
   You can never do just one thing.

KNAGG'S DERIVATIVE OF MURPHY'S LAW
   The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the greater the chance of failure.

GROSSMAN'S DILEMMA
   Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

WETHERN'S LAW OF SUSPENDED JUDGEMENT
   Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

FIRST WORKSHOP PRINCIPLE
   The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one missing from the tool chest.

SECOND WORKSHOP PRINCIPLE
   Most projects require three hands.

THIRD WORKSHOP PRINCIPLE
   Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.

FOURTH WORKSHOP PRINCIPLE
   The more carefully you plan a project, the more confusion there is when something goes wrong.

JARUK'S SECOND LAW
   If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company will insist upon repairing the old one.

   COROLLARY
   If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the company will insist on the latest model.

ROBERT'S AXIOM
   Only errors exist.

BERMAN'S COROLLARY TO ROBERT'S AXIOM
   One man's error is another man's data.

FIFTH LAW OF UNRELIABILITY
   To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

FIRST LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY
   Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

   COROLLARY
   Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the boss is reading it.

SECOND LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY
   Office machines which function perfectly during normal business hours will break down when you return to the office at night to use them for personal business.

THIRD LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY
   Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

FOURTH LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY
   Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick them will stick to other things when you don't want them to.

FIFTH LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY
   Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

SIXTH LAW OF OFFICE MURPHOLOGY
   The last person who quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.


DEVRIES' DILEMMA
   If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.

DEAL'S FIRST LAW OF SAILING
   The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number and experience of the people you take on board.

DEAL'S SECOND LAW OF SAILING
   No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock, once you have reached the furthest point from port the wind will die.

SHEDENHELM'S LAW OF BACKPACKING
   All trails have more uphill sections than they have level or downhill sections.

YEAGER'S LAW
   Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle.

   COROLLARY
   All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.

FINAGLE'S EIGHTH RULE
   Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.

MURPHY'S GUIDE TO MODERN SCIENCE
   1. If it's green or wriggles, it's biology;
   2. If it stinks, it's chemistry;
   3. If it doesn't work, it's physics

LERMAN'S LAW OF TECHNOLOGY
   Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.

LERMAN'S COROLLARY
   You are never given enough time or money.

THE RULER RULE
   There is no such thing as a straight line.

GRELB'S LAW OF ERRORING
   In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur at the opposite end from the end at which you begin checking for errors.

BREDA'S RULE
   At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

MICHEHL'S RULE FOR PROSPECTIVE MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS
   The mountain gets steeper as you get closer.

FROTHINGHAM'S COROLLARY
   The mountain look closer than it is.
TODD'S FIRST LAW
   All things being equal, you lose.

   COROLLARY
   All things being in your favour, you still lose.

LAW OF LIFE'S HIGHWAY
   If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

ATHENA'S RULE OF DRIVING COURTESY
   If you allow someone to get in front of you, you both will have the same destination, and the other car will get the last parking space.

McKEE'S LAW
   When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop.

DREW'S LAW OF HIGHWAY BIOLOGY
   The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

CAMPBELL'S FIRST LAW OF AUTOMOTIVE REPAIR
   If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the tool to get it off.

CAMPBELL'S SECOND LAW OF AUTOMOTIVE REPAIR
   If you can get the part off, the parts house will have it back-ordered.

CAMPBELL'S THIRD LAW OF AUTOMOTIVE REPAIR
   If it's in stock, it didn't need replacing in the first place.

LEMAR'S PARKING POSTULATE
   If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two new parking spaces right in front of the building.

BROMBERG'S FIRST LAW OF AUTO REPAIR
   When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you becomes a hammer.

BROMBERG'S SECOND LAW OF AUTO REPAIR
   No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end up covered with grease and motor oil.

FEMO'S LAW OF AUTOMOTIVE ENGINE REPAIRING
   If you drop something, it will never reach the ground.

JOHNSON'S THIRD LAW
   If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue which contained the article, story or installment you were most anxious to read.

   COROLLARY
   All of your friends either missed it, lost it, or threw it out.
ATWOOD'S FOURTEENTH COROLLARY
   No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep.

BESS' UNIVERSAL PRINCIPALS
   1. The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
   2. You will reach it just in time to hear the click of the caller hanging up.

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM
   When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

SHIRLEY'S LAW
   Most people deserve each other.

ARTHUR'S FIRST LAW OF LOVE
   People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.

ARTHUR'S SECOND LAW OF LOVE
   The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.

BEDFELLOW'S RULE
   The one who snores will fall asleep first.

GILLENSON'S (de-sexed) LAW OF EXPECTATION
   Never get excited about a blind date because of how it sounds over the phone.

CHEIT'S LAMENT
   If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you - the next time he's in need.

DENNISTON'S LAW
   Virtue is its own punishment.

DENNISTON'S COROLLARY
   If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.

RUBY'S PRINCIPAL OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS
   The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

JACOB'S LAW
   To err is human - to blame it on someone else is even more human.

ISKE'S TEENAGE COROLLARY TO PARKINSON'S LAW
   The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.


BANANA PRINCIPLE
   If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten.

BRITT'S GREEN THUMB POSTULATE
   The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely with its price and directly with its ugliness.

BALLANCE'S LAW OF RELIABILITY
   How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

JONES' FIRST LAW OF TV PROGRAMMING
   The only new show worth watching will be cancelled.

JONES' SECOND LAW OF TV PROGRAMMING
   If there are only two shows worth watching, they will be on at the same time.

JONES' THIRD LAW OF TV PROGRAMMING
   The show you've been looking forward to all week will be pre-empted.

RUAN'S APPLICATION OF PARKINSON'S LAW
   Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.

CORNUELLE'S LAW
   Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.

ZYMURGY'S LAW OF VOLUNTEER LABOR
   People are always available for work in the past tense.

CONWAY'S LAW
   In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

SEIT'S LAW OF HIGHER EDUCATION
   The one course you must take to graduate will not be offered during your last semester.

FIRST LAW OF CLASS SCHEDULING
   Class schedules are designed so that every student will waste the maximum time between classes.

SECOND LAW OF CLASS SCHEDULING
   A pre-requisite for a desired course will only be offered during the semester following the desired course.

FIRST LAW OF APPLIED TERROR
   When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important ones will be illegible.
SECOND LAW OF APPLIED TERROR
   The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want.

THIRD LAW OF APPLIED TERROR
   80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed about the one book you didn't read.

FOURTH LAW OF APPLIED TERROR
   Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.

FIFTH LAW OF APPLIED TERROR
   If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget the book.

   COROLLARY
   If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

SIXTH LAW OF APPLIED TERROR
   At the end of the semester you will recall having enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester and never attending.

DUGGAN'S LAW OF SCHOLARLY RESEARCH
   The most valuable quotation will be the one for which you cannot determine the source.

ROMINGER'S RULES FOR STUDENTS
   1. The more general the title of a course, the less you will learn from it;
   2. The more specific a title is, the less you will be able to apply it later

WALLACE'S OBSERVATION
   Everything is in a state of utter dishevelment.

JOHNSON'S SECOND LAW
   If in the course of several months, only three worthwhile social events take place, they will all fall on the same evening.

TERMAN'S LAW OF INNOVATION
   If you want a track team to win the high jump, you find one person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot.

CHURCHILL'S COMMENTARY ON MAN
   Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

FARMER'S CREDO
   Sow your wild oats on Saturday night - then on Sunday pray for crop failure.


MATZ'S MAXIM
   A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.

FAGIN'S RULE ON PAST PREDICTIONS
   Hindsight is an exact science.

MERKIN'S MAXIM
   When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue.

MEYER'S LAW
   It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex task to make them simple.

HLADE'S LAW
   If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he will find an easier way to do it.

MATZ'S RULE REGARDING MEDICATIONS
   A drug is that substance which, when injected into a rat, will produce a scientific report.

COCHRAN'S APHORISM
   Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is 1) positive, or 2) negative. If both answers are the same, don't do the test.

MOSER'S LAW OF SPECTATOR SPORTS
   Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the scoreboard or out buying a hot dog.

MURRAY'S RULE OF FOOTBALL
   The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there.

MURRAY'S LAW OF HOCKEY
   Hockey is a game played by six good players and a home team.

GROUND RULE FOR LABORATORY WORKERS
   When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.

LEE'S LAW
   In any dealings with a collective body of people, the people will always be more tacky than originally expected.

SPENCER'S LAWS OF ACCOUNTABILITY
   1. Trial balances don't;
   2. Working capital doesn't;
   3. Liquidity tends to run out’
   4. Return on investments won't

O'BRIEN'S LAW
   Nothing is ever done for the right reasons.
WEBWE'S DEFINITION
   An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

WARREN'S RULE
   To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

MARS' RULE
   An expert is anyone from out of town.

GREEN'S LAW OF DEBATE
   Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

YOUNG'S LAW
   All great discoveries are made by mistake.

LAW OF REVELATION
   The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

SODD'S SECOND LAW
   Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.

FIRST PRINCIPLE FOR PATIENTS
   Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.

SECOND PRINCIPLE FOR PATIENTS
   The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for your scheduled appointment.

THIRD PRINCIPLE FOR PATIENTS
   Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottler.

FOURTH PRINCIPLE FOR PATIENTS
   You never have the right number of pills left on the last day of a prescription.

FIFTH PRINCIPLE FOR PATIENTS
   If your condition seems to be getting better, it's probably your doctor getting sick.

TELESCO'S FIRST LAW OF NURSING
   All the IVs are at the other end of the hall.

TELESCO'S SECOND LAW OF NURSING
   There are two kinds of adhesive tape the one that won't stay on and the one that won't come off.


WORKING COOK'S LAWS
   1. If you're wondering if you took the meat out to thaw, you didn't;
   2. If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot plugged in, you did

WITZLING'S LAW OF PROGENY PERFORMANCE
   Any child who chatters non-stop at home will refuse to utter a sound when asked to demonstrate for a visitor.

VAN ROY'S LAW
   An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

FISH'S FIRST LAW OF ANIMAL BEHAVIOR
   The probability of a cat eating its dinner has absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food placed before it.

FISH'S SECOND LAW OF ANIMAL BEHAVIOR
   The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss is directly proportional to the number and importance of your guests.

RON'S OBSERVATION ON TEENAGERS
   The pimples don't appear until the hour before the date.

JAFFE'S PRECEPT
   There are some things which are impossible to know - but it is impossible to know which things these are.

GRAY'S BUS LAW
   A bus will arrive only when the would-be rider has walked to a point so close to the destination that it is no longer worthwhile to board the bus.

LAW OF THE INDIVIDUAL
   Nobody really cares or understands what anyone else is doing.

PARKER'S LAW
   Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

THE SAUSAGE PRINCIPLE
   People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.

THE WATERGATE PRINCIPLE
   Government corruption is always reported in the past tense.

TODD'S FIRST TWO PRINCIPLES
   1. No matter what they're telling you, they're not telling you the whole truth;
   2. No matter what they're talking about, they're taking about money

MILES' LAW
   Where you stand depends on where you sit.

THE KENNEDY CONSTANT
   Don't get mad - get even.

BERNSTEIN'S PRECEPT
   The radiologists' national flower is the hedge.

FIRST LAW OF PHOTOGRAPHY
   The best shots happen immediately after the last frame is exposed.

SECOND LAW OF PHOTOGRAPHY
   The best shots are generally attempted through the lens cap.

THIRD LAW OF PHOTOGRAPHY
   The best shots will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door.

THE DIALECTICS OF PROGRESS
   Direct action produces direct reaction.

THE ARMY AXIOM
   Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.

IMHOFF'S LAW
The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank - the really big chunks always rise to the top.

SPARK'S FIRST RULE FOR THE PROJECT MANAGER
   Strive to look tremendously important.

SPARK'S SECOND RULE FOR MANAGERS
   Attempt to be seen with important people.

SPARK'S THIRD RULE FOR MANAGERS
   Speak with authority; however, only expound on the obvious and proven facts.

SPARK'S FOURTH RULE FOR MANAGERS
   Don't engage in arguments, but if cornered, ask an irrelevant question and lean back with a satisfied grin while your opponent tries to figure out what's going on - then quickly change the subject.

SPARK'S FIFTH RULE FOR MANAGERS
   Always keep the office door closed. This puts visitors on the defensive and also makes it look as if you are always in an important conference.

JAY'S FIRST LAW OF LEADERSHIP
   Changing things is central to leadership, and changing them before anyone else is creativeness.


JACQUIN'S POSTULATE ON DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENT
   No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while legislature is in session.

TRISCHMANN'S PARADOX
   A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

BUCY'S LAW
   Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

DEDERA'S LAW
   In a three-story building served by one elevator, nine times out of ten the elevator car will be on a floor you are not.

THE SNAFU EQUATION
   The object or bit of information most needed will be the one least available.

TROUTMANN'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATE #1
   Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order will be.

TROUTMANN'S PROGRAMMING POSTULATE #2
   Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.

PROFESSOR BLOCK'S MOTTO
   Forgive and remember.

GLIB'S LAW OF UNRELIABILITY
   Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

LAW OF THE PERVERSITY OF NATURE
   You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

HELLER'S LAW
   The first myth of management is that it exists.

JOHNSON'S COROLLARY
   Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization.

FREEMAN'S RULE
   Circumstances can force a generalized incompetent to become competent, at least in a specialized field.

McGOWAN'S CHRISTMAS SHOPPING AXIOM
   If an item is advertised as "under $50.00", you can bet it's not $19.95.


LUPOSCHAINSKY'S HURRY-UP-AND-WAIT PRINCIPLE
   If you're early, it'll be cancelled - If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will have to wait - If you're late, you will be too late.

DEHAY'S AXIOM
   Simple jobs always get put off because there will be time to do them later.

THUMB'S SECOND POSTULATE
   An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a complex, incomprehensible truth.

EVAN'S LAW
   If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then you just don't understand the problem.

MATZ'S WARNING
   Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.

WISE FAN'S LAMENT
   Fools rush in - and get the best seats.

THOMAS' LAW
   The one who least wants to play is the one who will win

BROOK'S LAWS OF RETAILING
   Security isn't;
   Management can't;
   Sale promotions don't;
   Consumer assistance doesn't;
   Workers won't;

FINMAN'S BARGAIN BASEMENT PRINCIPLE
   The one you want is never the one on sale.

HERSHISER'S FIRST RULE
   Anything labelled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.

HERSHISER'S SECOND RULE
   The label "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" means the price went up.

HERSHISER'S THIRD RULE
   The label "ALL NEW","COMPLETELY NEW" or "GREAT NEW" means the price went way up.

HADLEY'S FIRST LAW OF CLOTHING SHOPPING
   If you like it, they don't have it in your size.

HADLEY'S SECOND LAW OF CLOTHING SHOPPING
   If you like it and its in your size, it doesn't fit anyway.

HADLEY'S THIRD LAW OF CLOTHING SHOPPING
   If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it.

HADLEY'S FOURTH LAW OF CLOTHING SHOPPING
   If you like it, it fits, and you can afford it, it falls apart the first time you wash it.

HERBLOCK'S LAW
   If it's good, they discontinue it.

GOLD'S LAW
   If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

BERYL'S LAW
   The "Consumer Report" on the item will come out a week after you've made your purchase.
COROLLARIES
   1. The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable";
   2. The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy";

MURPHY'S TENTH COROLLARY
   Mother Nature is a bitch.

SINETETO'S FIRST LAW OF CONSUMERISM
   A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will self-destruct on the 61st day.

FIRST RULE OF INTELLIGENT TINKERING
   Save all the parts.

LEWIS' LAW
   People will buy anything that's one to a customer.

LAW OF GIFTS
   You get the most of what you need the least.

CHISHOLM'S FIRST COROLLARY
   If you do something which you are sure will meet with everybody's approval, somebody won't like it.

CHICHOLM'S SECOND COROLLARY
   If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.

QUANTUM REVISION OF MURPHY'S LAW
   Everything goes wrong all at once.

COOPER'S METALAW
   A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.


DIGIOVANNI'S LAW
   The number of laws will expand to fill the publishing space available.

THE LAST LAW
   If several things that could have gone wrong have not gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial for them to have gone wrong.

WADE'S ADVICE
   Never put off until tomorrow that which you could have forgotten about entirely.
Back to top Go down
beetle
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 3959
Join date : 2013-09-30

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Thu Oct 29, 2015 3:01 pm

You didn't type all that. Copy & Paste!

I stopped reading after..I forget...  Sleep


Don't forget the fourth law of thermodynamics:

Everything takes longer and costs more.
Back to top Go down
waterbottle
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 1036
Join date : 2015-02-02
Age : 55

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Thu Oct 29, 2015 11:24 pm

There once was a boy from Trent.........
Who's dick was all doubled and bent,
The girls would all laugh, as he'd fold it in half,
and instead of coming he went.
Back to top Go down
waterbottle
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 1036
Join date : 2015-02-02
Age : 55

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Oct 30, 2015 12:19 am

I went to have a leak this morning, imagine my surprise when I lifted the lid ......

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Back to top Go down
Daves-i-Know
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 173
Join date : 2015-07-24
Age : 52

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Oct 30, 2015 1:32 am

You do realize you can't fuck a spider, right waterbottle?
Back to top Go down
Ralf z
Tiradritto
Tiradritto


Posts : 315
Join date : 2014-01-02
Age : 49

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Oct 30, 2015 2:49 am

Yep no seat!
Back to top Go down
ghezzi
Fra Cristoforo
Fra Cristoforo


Posts : 1692
Join date : 2014-05-22
Age : 59

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sun Nov 08, 2015 3:42 am

True story.
My daughter works weekends in a craft beer brewery that has its own bar. Tonight my brother and decided we would go and sample a few ales. Hey Al, you'd love this place - Green Beacon in Tenneriffe.

Anyhow we're sitting at the bar and this young bloke comes up and starts chatting up the barmaid (Kristen), I pretend not to listen, but you know, I'm at the age when grand kids seem like a good idea.
This bloke seems alright, ........................ and when he asked her how she ended up with a name like "Kristen", she points at me and says ask him.

Priceless, the guy sees the resemblance and shits himself.

Then declares himself gay. Fuck, my shock must have been priceless. Everybody in ear shot pissed 'em selves laughing.
Back to top Go down
http://www.biketowbrisbane.com.au
Blue
Nibbio
Nibbio


Posts : 816
Join date : 2014-08-18
Age : 52

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Nov 27, 2015 2:53 am

A man on his deathbed requested his wife, 3 sons, his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows...

"To my son, David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East End of London. To my other son, Michael, I leave the 4 penthouses in Chelsea, and finally to my eldest son, Kevin, I leave the big glass building near Tower Bridge."

With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said, "I never realised your husband was so wealthy. You and your sons are very lucky."

His wife swiftly replied, "Was he bollocks! He was a f*cking window cleaner!"
Back to top Go down
Blue
Nibbio
Nibbio


Posts : 816
Join date : 2014-08-18
Age : 52

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Nov 27, 2015 2:56 am

Please do NOT read this if you do not like toilet humour or if you are eating or drinking.........

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
Back to top Go down
waterbottle
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 1036
Join date : 2015-02-02
Age : 55

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Nov 27, 2015 1:48 pm

That's a shit joke Blue
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Today at 11:50 am

Back to top Go down
 
Just Jokes!
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 5 of 10Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10  Next

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
GRiSO ghetto :: The Ghetto :: The Darkened Recess™-
Jump to: