12425 - Established June, 2013 - all GRiSO, all the time...
 
HomeFAQRegisterLog in

Share | 
 

 Just Jokes!

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10  Next
AuthorMessage
Street
Nibbio
Nibbio


Posts : 887
Join date : 2013-05-29
Age : 57

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Thu Jan 28, 2016 8:49 pm

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

"I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby."
Back to top Go down
Steak
L'Innominato
L'Innominato


Posts : 1905
Join date : 2013-05-28
Age : 51

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Thu Jan 28, 2016 11:37 pm

That IS a darkened recess...

--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

2012 MOTO GUZZI GRiSO 1200SE

2013 MOTO GUZZI STELVIO 1200NTX - Orange Blossom Special
Back to top Go down
http://www.grisoghetto.com
waterbottle
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 1037
Join date : 2015-02-02
Age : 55

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Feb 02, 2016 4:04 pm

A man is taking his first shave with a Cut -throat-razor and in his nervousness drops the razor which neatly slices the end of his penis off .
F me he screams, but has the sense to tie off the end , he picks up the knob , puts it in his shave coat pocket and races off to the hospital.
A doctor inspects the stump and asks " Where is the Knob" 
The young fellow reaches into the shave coat pocket, and pulls out a Mashmallow ??????
He says, I thought I ate that on the drive in here ?
Back to top Go down
Grisonut
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 1015
Join date : 2014-01-02

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Feb 05, 2016 4:54 am

Take 50 lesbians and 50 postal workers... what do they have in common?

Well you have a 100 people that don't do dick!
Back to top Go down
Street
Nibbio
Nibbio


Posts : 887
Join date : 2013-05-29
Age : 57

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sat Feb 06, 2016 5:13 pm

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in” says the man.

“Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

“I'm sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. ”Now it's time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and,      before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

“I don't understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning......      Today you voted.”
Back to top Go down
waterbottle
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 1037
Join date : 2015-02-02
Age : 55

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sat Feb 06, 2016 6:01 pm

HaHa, Very good Thumbs Up
Back to top Go down
Omnis
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 112
Join date : 2014-10-06

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sun Feb 07, 2016 7:41 am

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Back to top Go down
waterbottle
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 1037
Join date : 2015-02-02
Age : 55

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sun Feb 07, 2016 3:54 pm

What do you call a Chicken staring at a lettuce?

Chicken Ceasar Salad tongue
Back to top Go down
ghezzi
Fra Cristoforo
Fra Cristoforo


Posts : 1692
Join date : 2014-05-22
Age : 59

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Feb 10, 2016 2:23 am

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!' he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out 'Oh my God!'

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Why do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed and the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'
Back to top Go down
http://www.biketowbrisbane.com.au
Oz1200Guzzi
Don Abbondio
Don Abbondio


Posts : 1776
Join date : 2014-03-13
Age : 62

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Feb 10, 2016 1:24 pm

Boom, tish - good one Wayne.
Back to top Go down
waterbottle
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 1037
Join date : 2015-02-02
Age : 55

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Thu Feb 11, 2016 12:34 am

My Jan thought this was so funny...... NOT

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
Back to top Go down
opc
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 153
Join date : 2014-06-19

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Thu Feb 11, 2016 1:19 pm

An old one from back when:


  • A spaceship lands in the middle of the desert near a closed gas station.  Two aliens walk out and approach the gas pump.

    First alien addresses the gas pump, "Greeting, earthling.  We have traveled very far to meet your leaders.  Please inform them of our arrival."
    When the gas pump doesn't reply, he repeats more forcefully, "Earthling, please take us to your leader."
    Silence.
    Agitated, the alien pulls out a ray gun and points it at the pump, "Take us to your leader or I will destroy you!"
    The second alien becomes alarmed and reaches to stop the first alien from shooting, but it is too late.

    The first alien shoots and the massive explosion throws the two aliens far into the desert.

    Sitting up, the first alien decries, "What a powerful being! How did you know not to shoot?"

    The second alien replies, "After all my travels in space, I came to realize never to mess with any species that can wrap its own penis around its body twice and stick it in its own ear."
Back to top Go down
g®eg
Don Abbondio
Don Abbondio


Posts : 66
Join date : 2014-04-07
Age : 56

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Thu Feb 11, 2016 1:41 pm



gotta love Rhode Island.. Very Happy
Back to top Go down
waterbottle
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 1037
Join date : 2015-02-02
Age : 55

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Feb 12, 2016 3:12 pm

One of my clients , a cattle farmer , told me this story about his neighbour who was having some trouble with one of his dogs. 
The dog is a Bull Mastiff , a big sucker , and had taken to killing the odd chicken in the house yard. 
So as to educate the him that this wasn't acceptable, an electric zapper collar was fitted to the dog and then a live chicken was placed in the kennel with the dog. Every time the dog looked at the chicken the owner pressed the remote which gives the dog a Zap. 
After a period of time the he had lost interest in the chicken which was now brave enough to sit on him. Problem solved the dog owner thought.
A couple of days later he came home to find ALL the chickens dead, except the one he was now best friends with.
Back to top Go down
MrGPz
Tanabuso
Tanabuso


Posts : 89
Join date : 2015-12-19

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Thu Feb 18, 2016 12:23 pm

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00am, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........

'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a blanket?

I'm awfully cold'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow!......................That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied................'Get your own ******* blanket.'

After a moment of silence, .......................... he broke wind. The End.
Back to top Go down
waterbottle
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 1037
Join date : 2015-02-02
Age : 55

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Feb 24, 2016 10:20 pm

Just on the news , the police have arrested two kids, one was drinking battery acid, the other one was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
Back to top Go down
ghezzi
Fra Cristoforo
Fra Cristoforo


Posts : 1692
Join date : 2014-05-22
Age : 59

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Feb 24, 2016 11:04 pm

Question - are there too many immigrants in Britain?
17% said yes; 11% said No;
72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

Prince Harry says he doesn't want the usual fruit cake at his wedding.
Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss; he's still going.

Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don't let your heart rule your head. Morrison's are doing 4 Stella for £2.99

100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said No, They were happy with the Giro. (benefit payment to a Post Office account)

Bloke comes home to his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
"I just made love to the girl next door" he says proudly.
"Well done son. I hope you were wearing something."
"Yup" he replied. "A balaclava."

Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I've been ringing 0800 1730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone.
Girl replies, “Those are our opening and closing times."
Back to top Go down
http://www.biketowbrisbane.com.au
ghezzi
Fra Cristoforo
Fra Cristoforo


Posts : 1692
Join date : 2014-05-22
Age : 59

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Mar 01, 2016 2:01 pm

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ' Steve’s Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the bus-boy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired PWC Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Back to top Go down
http://www.biketowbrisbane.com.au
ghezzi
Fra Cristoforo
Fra Cristoforo


Posts : 1692
Join date : 2014-05-22
Age : 59

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Mar 11, 2016 12:25 am

I'm older than dirt


 
Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.
'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !
'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 19.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people...

I never had a telephone in my room.The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
 
Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week.  He had to get up at 6AM every morning.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend :
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about
Ratings at the bottom.

1.Candy cigarettes
2.Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
3.Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5.Newsreels before the movie
6.TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])
7.Peashooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records & 78's that all we had, Ray
10.Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with lever
12. Blue flashbulb
13.Cork popguns
14. Studebakers
15. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10  = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 11-15 =You're older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your   really OLD friends....
Back to top Go down
http://www.biketowbrisbane.com.au
bahamazoo
Don Abbondio
Don Abbondio


Posts : 163
Join date : 2015-08-09
Age : 52

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Mar 11, 2016 2:41 am

oh no, count me as 'dirt'....
good job ghezzi, ah the memories flooding back... the horror, the horror...
although the only Studebaker I recall is Hawk... wait, Howdy Dowdy...? you from 'merka?
but you forgot watching Mr Armstrong step down that ladder, beamed direct.
Back to top Go down
Pete Roper
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 3776
Join date : 2013-05-29
Age : 59

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Mon Mar 21, 2016 9:18 pm

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.
"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.
"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."
The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off."
She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"
Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.

"One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the TV.
"What's up love?" he asks.
"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.
"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.
"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries!
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the TV back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.
"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."

--
Back to top Go down
opc
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 153
Join date : 2014-06-19

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Mon Mar 21, 2016 10:32 pm

Two guys are playing a round of golf and have been held up by a slower pair ahead of them for most of the round.
Finally, one golfer says,"I'm going to go insist they let us play through!" And off he storms down the fairway towards the distant pair. About halfway there he suddenly stops, slightly crouches as if to get a different view, then comes walking back quickly without looking back.

His playing partner asks,"What's wrong? Did you tell them we wanted to play through?"

First golfer replies,"No, I can't go up there. That's my wife AND my mistress!"

Second golfer then says,"Well, then I'll go make them let us play through!"

Off he goes, only to turn around after only walking half the of the way there.

As he gets back, he mutters,"Small world."
Back to top Go down
GNORTS
Tanabuso
Tanabuso


Posts : 99
Join date : 2013-05-29

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Mar 22, 2016 7:08 am

bahamazoo wrote:
oh no, count me as 'dirt'....
good job ghezzi, ah the memories flooding back... the horror, the horror...
although the only Studebaker I recall is Hawk... wait, Howdy Dowdy...? you from 'merka?
but you forgot watching Mr Armstrong step down that ladder, beamed direct.

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

'56 Golden Hawk.  Learned to drive in it.

Yep, I'm dirt-old.  My wife just turned 70, ffs!  I'm only 68, though... Cool
Back to top Go down
g®eg
Don Abbondio
Don Abbondio


Posts : 66
Join date : 2014-04-07
Age : 56

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Mar 22, 2016 7:19 am

A teacher was working with her students, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of Lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!"
Back to top Go down
Papa Lazarou
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 169
Join date : 2014-10-07
Age : 62

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Mar 22, 2016 2:48 pm

You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats, boy ant.
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Today at 9:54 am

Back to top Go down
 
Just Jokes!
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 7 of 10Go to page : Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10  Next

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
GRiSO ghetto :: The Ghetto :: The Darkened Recess™-
Jump to: