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 Just Jokes!

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bahamazoo
Don Abbondio
Don Abbondio


Posts : 164
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Age : 52

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Jul 22, 2016 3:18 am

An Irishman walks out of the bar,

well, it could happen..
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beetle
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 3974
Join date : 2013-09-30

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Jul 22, 2016 3:38 am

A gorilla walks into a bar.

"Gimme a drink", says the gorilla.
"We don't serve gorillas in here", says the bartender.

The gorilla goes apeshit and bites a huge chunk of the bar off, then runs out.

A few days later, the gorilla walks into another bar.

"Gimme a drink", says the gorilla.
"We don't serve drug addicts in here", says the bartender.
"What are talkin' about?", replies the gorilla, "I'm not a drug addict".
"Yes, you are", says the bartender, "because of the bar bit you ate".





.
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waterbottle
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 1039
Join date : 2015-02-02
Age : 55

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Jul 22, 2016 12:48 pm

A man walks into a Bar with a backpack. He unzips the pack and takes out a mini piano. He then takes out a 10 inch man. The man begins to play the piano beautifully.
The bartender walks up and says "Gee, where did you get the little man?" the guy hands him a magic lamp and says "rub it and make a wish" the bartender rubs it and says "I wish I had a Million Bucks!" POOF a million Ducks come marching into the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says "I think you lamp is broken"
The man says "Yeah, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch Pianist?"
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Omnis
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 112
Join date : 2014-10-06

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sat Jul 23, 2016 4:52 am

Man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. He sits at the bar ask asks for a double whisky and whatever his two friends want.
Barman : what would you like madam
Ostrich : gin & tonic
Barman : and for you sir?
Cat : pint of bitter but I'm not paying for it, definitely not paying for it!
Barman : no problem it's been taken care of
So it goes on for two or three rounds when finally the barman asks the man what's going on.
Well, come the reply, I rubbed this little fucking lamp, genie comes out and offers three wishes, so I says I want a tall chick with long legs and a tight pussy...
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Street
Nibbio
Nibbio


Posts : 890
Join date : 2013-05-29
Age : 57

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Aug 02, 2016 6:20 pm

Give me liberty, or give me HEAD!
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waterbottle
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 1039
Join date : 2015-02-02
Age : 55

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Mon Aug 15, 2016 11:36 pm

I took the shell off my racing snail today in the hope it might make him faster, If anything, It's made him more sluggish Suspect
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waterbottle
GRiSO
GRiSO


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Join date : 2015-02-02
Age : 55

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Sep 27, 2016 5:21 pm

A guy with a gun walks into a bar, 
"Who the fuck had sex with my wife" he snarls 
A voice was heard in the background 
"You don't have enough bullets mate "
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Steak
L'Innominato
L'Innominato


Posts : 1905
Join date : 2013-05-28
Age : 51

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Thu Sep 29, 2016 11:45 am

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely

Since then I've got a dog, I bought a new motorbike, banged two women and blown a grand on drugs and booze.

She's going to go fucking mental when she gets home from work.

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Steak
L'Innominato
L'Innominato


Posts : 1905
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Age : 51

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Oct 05, 2016 10:47 am

My wife and I went on our honyemoon to Australia...

Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.

"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"

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Grisonut
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 1015
Join date : 2014-01-02

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Oct 05, 2016 4:12 pm

Hey Steve, I had a kinda reverse problem a while back...
Went to see a sexologist and ask him how to overcome the routine of having intercourse with the same woman after all these years...
He advised me to try the "other" way but I told him that it wouldn't work for us as we don't want any kids!
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Omnis
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 112
Join date : 2014-10-06

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Oct 07, 2016 6:02 am

A transcript of the new PABX answering service recently installed at the Institute of Mental Health :

Hello and welcome to the mental health hot-line

If you are Obsessive Compulsive , press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 & 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, and you call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmothers' maiden names.
If you have Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have Bi-polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep.Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have Short Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our operators are far too busy to talk to you.
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Steak
L'Innominato
L'Innominato


Posts : 1905
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Age : 51

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Oct 07, 2016 11:09 am

Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"

Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Wink

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Steak
L'Innominato
L'Innominato


Posts : 1905
Join date : 2013-05-28
Age : 51

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Oct 07, 2016 7:51 pm

Steak wrote:
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"

Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

Wink

Wow, that was timely...


pig

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Omnis
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 112
Join date : 2014-10-06

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Oct 12, 2016 6:58 pm

A man tells his mate : "I'm worried I've got a green ring around my dick"
"No problem says his friend, I had a red ring around mine, went to see this doctor and he cured it.
Off he went to see the doc, shows him his dick, Doctor shakes his head and says sorry sir, we'll have to amputate . Whaaatt? Says the man aghast, you manage to cure a similar issue of a a friend of mine.
"Sir, red lip stick is one thing, gangrene is a whole lot different"
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Street
Nibbio
Nibbio


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Age : 57

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Oct 12, 2016 7:08 pm

Ouch!
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techman-001
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 131
Join date : 2015-08-20
Age : 62

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Oct 12, 2016 8:51 pm

garyclem wrote:
I'll keep it short and sweet, I do not think that is at all funny, not by any stretch and for lots of reasons ............... but more recently because a young non-Muslim Australian has blown himself up attempting to kill soldiers in the Middle East who were battling the murderous IS butchers. IMHO racism is just racism whether or not there is an attempt to it is disguise it as humour. I know quite a few Muslims, some of them are relatively new Australians, and I am very pleased that they are both my work colleagues and my friends.

I was a joke, and I thought it was hilarious.

In case you're planning to go all Social Justice Warrior on me, you can ask my ex *Aboriginal* partner of 14 years if I'm racist or not, but don't be surprised if she rips you a new one just for asking.
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techman-001
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


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Age : 62

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Oct 12, 2016 11:01 pm

I was just thinking that if Guzzis release of the new 'Flying Fortress" model was in 2016, then the design of their original V twin in 1964 would be 52 years ago ?

cheers
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the_doctor
Tanabuso
Tanabuso


Posts : 56
Join date : 2014-08-28

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Oct 26, 2016 11:59 am

Recent studies have shown that 63% of women have used vibrators.
The other 37% have brand new ones...
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ghezzi
Fra Cristoforo
Fra Cristoforo


Posts : 1699
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Age : 59

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Oct 26, 2016 2:30 pm

Medical research has shown that 43% of women are on prescribed medicine for some form of neurological disorder.
That means the other 57% are running around unmedicated.

At least my sister admits it, she has 3 medical conditions and claims, all are caused by men.
Menstrual cycle.
Menopause.
Mental illness.
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techman-001
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 131
Join date : 2015-08-20
Age : 62

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Oct 26, 2016 3:11 pm

ghezzi wrote:
Medical research has shown that 43% of women are on prescribed medicine for some form of neurological disorder.
That means the other 57% are running around unmedicated.

At least my sister admits it, she has 3 medical conditions and claims,  all are caused by men.
Menstrual cycle.
Menopause.
Mental illness.

Sounds like she's being a little mendacious ....
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Street
Nibbio
Nibbio


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Age : 57

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Oct 26, 2016 5:49 pm

Ach Mensch!
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Papa Lazarou
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 169
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Age : 62

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Oct 28, 2016 3:12 pm

techman-001 wrote:
garyclem wrote:
I'll keep it short and sweet, I do not think that is at all funny, not by any stretch and for lots of reasons ............... but more recently because a young non-Muslim Australian has blown himself up attempting to kill soldiers in the Middle East who were battling the murderous IS butchers. IMHO racism is just racism whether or not there is an attempt to it is disguise it as humour. I know quite a few Muslims, some of them are relatively new Australians, and I am very pleased that they are both my work colleagues and my friends.

I was a joke, and I thought it was hilarious.

In case you're planning to go all Social Justice Warrior on me, you can ask my ex *Aboriginal* partner of 14 years if I'm racist or not, but don't be surprised if she rips you a new one just for asking.

Que?
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techman-001
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 131
Join date : 2015-08-20
Age : 62

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Oct 28, 2016 4:12 pm

Papa Lazarou wrote:
techman-001 wrote:
garyclem wrote:
I'll keep it short and sweet, I do not think that is at all funny, not by any stretch and for lots of reasons ............... but more recently because a young non-Muslim Australian has blown himself up attempting to kill soldiers in the Middle East who were battling the murderous IS butchers. IMHO racism is just racism whether or not there is an attempt to it is disguise it as humour. I know quite a few Muslims, some of them are relatively new Australians, and I am very pleased that they are both my work colleagues and my friends.

I was a joke, and I thought it was hilarious.

In case you're planning to go all Social Justice Warrior on me, you can ask my ex *Aboriginal* partner of 14 years if I'm racist or not, but don't be surprised if she rips you a new one just for asking.

Que?

Ignore me, I was just having a rant against the thought police.
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moby
Montanarolo
Montanarolo


Posts : 11
Join date : 2016-06-09

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sat Oct 29, 2016 7:33 am

Tolle09 wrote:
I've just watched a documentary about kids being abused and beaten up in sweat shops in India. Looking at the quality of stitching on my training shoes, the bastards deserved it.

Is there a moderator on this site?

Fine line between sarcasm and whatever it is that I find disturbing. Maybe I'm just thin skinned.

cheers
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ghezzi
Fra Cristoforo
Fra Cristoforo


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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sat Oct 29, 2016 2:22 pm

1. I find that "JOKE" very funny. (I missed the original post)
2. How for back did you go trolling to find something to whinge about?

Tolle09 hasn't posted a joke for over a year.

Oh, and thank you. Now I have something to brighten the day of others.
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Today at 1:54 am

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Just Jokes!
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