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 Just Jokes!

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beetle
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Mon Mar 16, 2015 1:38 pm

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says "gimme a chap stick"
The pharmacist says "will that be cash or card?"
"Nah", says the duck, "put it on my bill".
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ghezzi
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Mon Mar 16, 2015 2:26 pm

What's the difference between a magician's wand, and a policeman's baton.

The magician's wand is for cunning stunts.
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Grisonut
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Mon Mar 16, 2015 3:39 pm

ghezzi wrote:
What's the difference between a magician's wand, and a policeman's baton.

The magician's wand is for cunning stunts.

I though Charles Lindbergh's crossing of the Atlantic was the cunning stunt, while Pamela Anderson was a stunning cunt but I'm confused now... scratch

That reminds me...
What's the difference between Lady Godiva and a lost golf ball?
A lost golf ball is a hunt on a course...
Also, the difference between a well trained dog and a fag?
Well, the trained dog seeks ducks...
And between the Suez Canal and Hillary Clinton?
The Suez Canal is a busy ditch...
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waterbottle
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Mon Mar 16, 2015 7:09 pm

My German girlfriend gives me marks out of ten when we have sex , I tried a bit of anal last night and she yelled out "Nien Nien Nien "
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Omnis
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Mon Mar 16, 2015 8:30 pm

On an Air Canada transpacific flight the captain switches on the intercom and welcomes passengers and invites them to enjoy the flight, then the passengers hear "... Bob you take the controls I'm going for a crap then I'll get that new flight attendant to give me a blow job". The flight attendant in the back rushes forward to tell the captain that the intercom was still switched on, she however trips and goes arse over tits in the middle of the aisle. A little old man goes to help her out and says "Miss, there is no need to run, he said he was gonna have a crap first"
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Oz1200Guzzi
Don Abbondio
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Mar 17, 2015 6:17 pm

Twas just across the border,
on the banks of the Kangaroo,
me uncle had a brothel,
a fuc










well the rest will have to wait for the Cabal this weekend at Long Flat Pub.
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Harry Paratestes
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Mar 17, 2015 6:52 pm

Two amoebas walk into a bar, but they didn't like it so they split.....What a Face
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Harry Paratestes
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Mar 17, 2015 6:55 pm

Why do French Canadians wear snowmobile suits two sizes too big?
So they can put moron underneath.

heh heh heh...
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ghezzi
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Mar 17, 2015 7:04 pm

So you do local racial jokes like we do in Australia.

Got to ask Harry, looking at your avatar, have you got a Kiwi problem over there?
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Harry Paratestes
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Mar 17, 2015 7:32 pm

No, we had the whole country sprayed.

BA-DUM-TSHHHH!


Last edited by Harry Paratestes on Tue Mar 17, 2015 7:40 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Harry Paratestes
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Mar 17, 2015 7:36 pm

CLICK!


Last edited by Harry Paratestes on Tue Mar 17, 2015 7:42 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Oz1200Guzzi
Don Abbondio
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Mar 17, 2015 7:41 pm

Tee Hee...
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DungeonMaster
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Mar 17, 2015 8:06 pm

An Irishman walks out of a bar.......

No really, it could happen.

DM
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Harry Paratestes
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Mar 17, 2015 8:37 pm

A black dude, a Jew, and a W.A.S.P. are walking down the beach.
Black Dude sees something shiny in the sand and decides to pick it up: "Hey man" (Droderick Tatum's voice) "I think I found a magic lantern, I'm gonna shine it up to see what happens".
Black Dude shines it up and it starts to smoke - Surprised, Black Dude drops the lantern, and an instant later a genie  pops out, rubs his eyes and looks around.
Genie: "Fuck me" (Thursten Howell III's voice), "I'm free! But which one of you freed me? I'll give three wishes to the man that freed me"
Everyone tries to convince the genie that they were the liberator and should get the three wishes.
Genie looks at the Black Dude and scratches his head: " Hmmm, I dunno"
Genie looks at the Jew who is rubbing his hands together: "Well...?"
Genie looks at the White Guy, smiling that southern comfort smile: "Jeeze, I'm not sure"
So the genie comes up with plan to give each one a single wish and be done with it.
They flip a three sided coin and Black Dude gets to go first.
"What'll it be Sambo? A new '67 Coupe De Ville? A watermelon farm? Monica Lewinsky?"
Black Dude: "Well, ya see, as a member of the African American brotherhood, I see a lot of inequalities with the other folks here. We African Americans have been persecuted and unjustly treated from the days of the slave trade until the here and now, and I want it to stop. I wish that all my African brothers and sisters and I return back to our homeland to live life in peace and harmony".
Genie: "Really? Never would have called that one"
Black Dude thinks it over and decides this is what he wants.
The Genie waves his hand and KAPOOF! Black Dude is gone.
The Jew goes next.
Genie: "Hey Jew, ya dropped a nickel!"
The Jew looks around frantically but finds nothing.
Genie: "Naw, just shittin' ya man, but I can see where this is headed. What'll it be man? House on the Riviera? Personal Jet? Golden unicorn that shits money?
Jew: Well (Shecky Greene's voice), I think the black dude was onto something. I want the same thing: All my people should live in peace and harmony in the promised land"
Genie: "What about the Palestinians?"
Jew: "Fuck them!"
Genie: "Done" And with that, the Jew disappears.
So the genie looks over at the White Guy and asks him what his wish would be.
W.A.S.P.: " So let me get this straight" (Joe Don Baker's voice) " All the colored folks are in Africa?"
Genie: "Yep"
W.A.S.P.:" And all the Jews are back in the desert?"
Genie: " Sho 'nuff", so what's it gonna be big guy? New double wide trailer? Trip to Nashville? New tits for your daughter?"
W.A.S.P.: "Well... You know, I might just have me a diet coke."
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Harry Paratestes
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Mar 17, 2015 9:04 pm

How many homosexuals does it take to change a light bulb?

Not sure, and I'm not going in there to find out.
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Street
Nibbio
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Mar 17, 2015 10:12 pm

There once was a man from Kent,
Whose cock was peculiarly bent;
He'd fold it in two, whenever he'd screw,
And instead of coming he went!
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ghezzi
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Mar 18, 2015 1:44 am

Hey "Genie in a bottle" is for real guys.

I found a funny corked up bottle at King's Beach (Sunshine Coast) once, I was only giving it a spit and polish to read the labelling and out pops this Genie, granted me one wish he did.

Always wanted to tour UnZud on me Gootsi bet I get horribly air sick and sea sick, so I asked for a bridge between Australia and New Zealand. Genie explained it was a bit of a tall order, deep ocean, 1500km long, tall ships etc.

So I explained I had struggled all my life to understand how the female mind worked, I needed wisdom beyond that of Solomon, just to be able to fathom the minds of my wife and daughter.

Genie replied, "Would that be a 6 or 8 lane highway you need"?
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Oz1200Guzzi
Don Abbondio
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Mar 18, 2015 1:58 am

Here lies the body of Deadwood Mick,
Only man in the world with a corkscrew dick,
He searched the world from back to front,
to find a girl with a corkscrew cunt,
and when he did he fell down stone dead,
because she had a left hand thread!

Boom tish
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waterbottle
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Mar 18, 2015 2:03 am

There was a young man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Out of his arse grew Buffalo grass
And around his balls grew weeds
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beetle
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Mar 18, 2015 2:20 am

The engineer told me before he died,
That his wife had a cunt that six feet wide,
And she was never satisfied.

So they built a prick of cast iron steel,
And attached to it a bloody great wheel.
Two brass balls were filled with cream,
And the whole damn thing was run with steam.

So round and round went the bloody great wheel,
In and out went the prick of steel,
Up and up went the level of steam,
Down and down went the level of cream.

Until his wife sat up and cried,
"Enough, enough, I'm satisfied!"

Now we come to the crucial bit,
There was no way of stopping it,
And she was ripped from arse to tit,
And the whole damn thing was covered in shit.
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plantboy
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Mar 18, 2015 4:45 am

Two policemen call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
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pokeyjoe
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Mon Mar 30, 2015 8:10 pm

Not really a joke, but funny.

A definition worth remembering:
There's an annual contest at Bond University, Australia, calling for the
appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's chosen term was
"political correctness".

The winning student wrote:
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical
minority, and promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the
proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the
clean end."
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Blue
Nibbio
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Mar 31, 2015 2:40 am

Dave knows everyone!


Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.

“President Bush,” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says,”This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has passed out and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw – you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?”
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Grisonut
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Tue Mar 31, 2015 4:08 am

What's the difference between:
Aaahhhhhhh and Ooohhhhhhh?

















About 2 inches.
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Omnis
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Thu Apr 09, 2015 6:50 am

A guy on a GRiSO was tanking along on the highway when he spotted a sparrow coming at him dead straight, so he slows down as much as he can but splatt hits the sparrow . Concerned he stops, goes back, picks up the sparrow and takes him home to see if he can nurse him back to health. Puts him in a cage gently, with a dish of water and some bread crumbs, bird looks pretty banged-up and lies flat.
Guy goes to bed and hopes the bird recovers.
Next morning the sparrow wakes up, looks at the bars of the cage, the dish of water and bread crumbs and says :" oh fuck I killed the motorcyclist !
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Today at 9:54 am

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