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 Just Jokes!

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Tolle09
Don Abbondio
Don Abbondio


Posts : 234
Join date : 2014-10-07
Age : 53

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Thu Apr 09, 2015 12:08 pm

I fucking hate Ed Sheeran, so when he came on stage at Glastonbury I finished my pint,pissed in it and threw it at the ginger twat. Seemed a good idea at the time , but my TV's fucked now!
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Andy in NZ
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 100
Join date : 2014-02-15

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Thu Apr 09, 2015 10:41 pm

A guy on a GRiSO slides to a halt at a burger joint.
He orders his food and stands waiting.
A lady of dubious virtue shouts over from near the juke box.
"Hey biker...ever had a thrill? "
"Why yes" he replied with a big grin, "with my new beetle map I just did 270kmph on my GRiSO."
"Nah," she said rubbing her hands up and down her body, "have you ever felt a c*#t?"
"Yeah, " he sighed, "I fell off."
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jeremyb
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 101
Join date : 2013-12-19
Age : 61

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Apr 10, 2015 7:55 am

One for the Antipodeans.

Its pretty difficult for outsiders to tell the difference between a New Zealand and an Aussie accent.
A Kiwi did tell me a sure-fire way to tell the blokes apart:

Just ask them: "would you have sex with a 12 year old ?"  

If he says "Of course not, that's disgusting you sick pervert" - he's a Kiwi.
But if he says "Hmmm, a 12 year old what ??"   ...........
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ghezzi
Fra Cristoforo
Fra Cristoforo


Posts : 1701
Join date : 2014-05-22
Age : 59

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Apr 10, 2015 11:33 am

That is totally wrong, every self respecting Kiwi knows that sheep don't last 12 years.
Besides that, why do Kiwi's wear gumboots ............................... to slot the hind legs of a sheep into, so they can't run away.

But all the Kiwi's here know us Aussies have to say that, coz we bowl underarm.
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Canyon Carver
Sfregiato
Sfregiato


Posts : 457
Join date : 2014-06-13
Age : 66

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Apr 10, 2015 6:26 pm

What's a chicken's favorite part of a GRiSO?


the eggshaust.
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Andy in NZ
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 100
Join date : 2014-02-15

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sat Apr 11, 2015 12:00 am

Kiwi farmers may wear gumboots but our neighbours across the ditch have embraced a technological breakthrough..... they use velcro gloves.

I have to watch myself this month.. I'm off to visit my eldest daughter in Sydney. I suppose I could tone it down, or maybe just say the jokes slower.
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ghezzi
Fra Cristoforo
Fra Cristoforo


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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sat Apr 11, 2015 1:08 am

Those velcro gloves would hurt ya dick, wouldn't they?
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Andy in NZ
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 100
Join date : 2014-02-15

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sat Apr 11, 2015 3:31 am

Lol.
Sounds like a Dick Emery joke.
He was such an abrasive character.
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waterbottle
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 1045
Join date : 2015-02-02
Age : 55

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sat Apr 11, 2015 2:27 pm

How do you tell if an Aussie has been in your fridge....... your Beer's gone




How do you tell if a Kiwi has been in your fridge........Love bites on the leg of lamb
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waterbottle
GRiSO
GRiSO


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Join date : 2015-02-02
Age : 55

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Mon Apr 20, 2015 2:26 am

The Speed Of Thought

An old bushy, lets call him Ron, found his way into a gentleman's club and ordered a drink at the bar.
Taking his first sip he overhears three scientists discussing what they thought to be the fastest thing on earth.

The 1st scientist " It has to be the human thought. You just can't control it and a thought will pop into your head, it's just that fast ! "

Hmmmm they think,
2nd scientist " Well, you know, a Blink is faster than a human thought, it just happens, It has to be faster than the human thought ! "

Hmmmmmmmm they think.
3rd scientist, "What about Electricity ! you can turn on a switch, and a hundred miles away a light can come on instantly, surely that is faster ? "

"Diarrhea" they hear. ( Ron at the bar )
"W w w whats that you say ?"
Ron     " I said Diarrhea, This Morning, I woke up with a terrible pain in the gizzard, and before I could Think, Blink, or switch the light on, I'd shit myself."
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waterbottle
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GRiSO


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Age : 55

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sat May 16, 2015 4:20 am

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”
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Omnis
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 112
Join date : 2014-10-06

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sun May 17, 2015 6:30 pm

Gorgeous woman speeding along on a GRiSO suddenly sees a young fellow hitchhiking, slams on the anchors and skidding comes to a stop and says : hey, want a lift?
-sure says the young man not believing his luck.
- I gotta warn, says the woman, I like to ride fast and stop even faster, I just love the smell of burning rubber on the road.
-okay, he says and jumps on.
She takes off pulling a wheelie, and flies at great speed. Suddenly, they come to a stop, she again slams on the breaks, locks the back wheel that scrapes on the asphalt on a big clod of smoke.
She turns to the young man and says : Hhmmm can you smell it?
He yells : SMELL IT. I' m fucking sitting in it.
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Omnis
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 112
Join date : 2014-10-06

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sun May 17, 2015 6:32 pm

Two bats hanging upside down in a dark dank cave, one says to the other
-what was your worst day
-no doubt when I had diarrhea
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Andy in NZ
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 100
Join date : 2014-02-15

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sun May 31, 2015 3:48 pm

Why Sentence Structure is Crucial

Business was terrible and not picking up. The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

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Andy in NZ
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 100
Join date : 2014-02-15

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sun May 31, 2015 3:52 pm

Winter cometh. Wet day here so found a few jokes
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all on his
own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with
him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to
my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?
Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.
I have a 28 inch waist.
Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered... "Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming... That was me."
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DungeonMaster
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 1163
Join date : 2013-11-26
Age : 53

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Mon Jun 01, 2015 9:55 pm

Hey Andy.
my favorite punctuation distinction is this.

Let's eat, Grandma
or
Let's eat Grandma.

DM
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Andy in NZ
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 100
Join date : 2014-02-15

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Mon Jun 01, 2015 9:57 pm

Yes the power of the almighty comma. And you all thought the real control was in the period.
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DungeonMaster
GRiSO
GRiSO


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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Mon Jun 01, 2015 9:58 pm

It is once a month.
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GreggF
Don Abbondio
Don Abbondio


Posts : 34
Join date : 2014-10-14
Age : 63

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Jun 05, 2015 11:48 am

Paddy is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny[/b]
mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top
of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without
underwear.
The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you
looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll
make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.
Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder
vagina can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman.
Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks,
"Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Paddy replies, "You’re kidding—you mean it can whistle, too?”
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Steak
L'Innominato
L'Innominato


Posts : 1907
Join date : 2013-05-28
Age : 51

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Jun 05, 2015 11:53 am

DungeonMaster wrote:
Hey Andy.
my favorite punctuation distinction is this.

Let's eat, Grandma
or
Let's eat Grandma.

DM

Go outside and help your uncle jack off his horse.

vs.

Go outside and help your Uncle Jack off his horse.

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DungeonMaster
GRiSO
GRiSO


Posts : 1163
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Age : 53

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Jun 05, 2015 8:44 pm

THAT'S the one. Smile
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DungeonMaster
GRiSO
GRiSO


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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Jun 05, 2015 8:45 pm

THAT'S the one. Smile
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tocino
Nibbio
Nibbio


Posts : 556
Join date : 2014-06-21

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Thu Jun 11, 2015 11:24 am

This is no joke, especially for the kid. But it is pretty freakin hilarious.

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Andy in NZ
Grignapoco
Grignapoco


Posts : 100
Join date : 2014-02-15

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Thu Jun 11, 2015 9:19 pm

I got fired from my job crushing old drink cans for recycling.
Mind you, the job was soda-pressing:rabbit:

I took a book out the library the other day on anti-gravity
I couldn't put it down. Razz
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DungeonMaster
GRiSO
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Jun 12, 2015 9:50 pm

Andy in NZ wrote:


I took a book out the library the other day on anti-gravity
I couldn't put it down. Razz

I've used that one before. I love it.
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Today at 1:54 am

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