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 Just Jokes!

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Blue
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Jun 19, 2015 4:37 am

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
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Blue
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Jun 19, 2015 4:43 am

[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
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Blue
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Jun 19, 2015 4:44 am

My optician told me I was colour-blind yesterday.

That was a bolt from the yellow.
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tocino
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Jun 19, 2015 6:39 am

Blue wrote:
My optician told me I was colour-blind yesterday.

That was a bolt from the yellow.  

Laughing
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Enzo the baker
Grignapoco
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PostSubject: The talking dog.   Fri Jun 19, 2015 11:35 am

A traveling salesman stops in a small Midwestern town for car repairs. While waiting the mechanic tells him a new part must be ordered and it won't be in for a couple of days. Shit, says the salesman where am I gonna stay? The mechanic reply's stay at the old Borden rooming house, it's just down the street. OK says the salesman and he heads down the street on the way he picks up a local newspaper, about four pages total, what a crummy town he says. Later that day he is perusing the want ads in the paper and sees a listing that catches his eye, a talking dog for sale, only $5 says the ad. Heck I gotta see this says he. Walking down the street he sees an older man in overalls on a porch chewing on a corn cob pipe. Farmer, you lookin' for the talking dog? Salesman, yup. Farmer, he's out back yonder. Salesman walks around back and see a mangy mutt tied to a tree. He looks at the dog and shakes his head and mutters, talking dog my ass and begins to head back to the boarding house. Dog says hello. Salesman is stunned. Salesman ask how can this be? Dog, don't really know how but I have had the power of speech since birth. Dog, in fact shortly after my birth my owner gave me to the CIA, figured I might be helpful espionage wise. That led to a tour at the US Embassy in Russia where I kept the President abreast on what the Russians were planning. Salesman, that's fantastic. Dog, there's more, after the fall of the Soviet Union, heck I probably hastened the collapse, I was no longer needed. So for a while I bummed around Europe sniffing everything. Later on I became a venture capitalist, I had it all, hot French Poodle girlfriend, chauffer, and I was the toast of Wall Street for a few years. But when the economy collapsed I was so leveraged in the energy sector, I lost everything and I ended up here with this old farmer tied to a tree. Salesman, that's a fantastic story. He immediately heads around the front of the house and excitedly tells the farmer, I'll take him, $5 right? Farmer, yeah $5. Salesman, he is amazing I can't believe his story. Farmer, aw he never did any of that shit he is just a big liar....
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ghezzi
Fra Cristoforo
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Mon Jun 29, 2015 11:32 pm

Best security is also the cheapest ...................

Now that I'm on a fixed income, I've disconnected my home alarm system,
turned off my external lights and de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.


I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front garden, one at each corner,
and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.

Local Police, Federal Police, the Army and all my neighbours are watching the house 24/7.
I am watched everywhere I go.

I've never felt safer, and I'm saving $149.50 a month
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http://www.biketowbrisbane.com.au
ghezzi
Fra Cristoforo
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Mon Jul 13, 2015 6:07 pm

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]
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http://www.biketowbrisbane.com.au
ghezzi
Fra Cristoforo
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Jul 15, 2015 2:24 am

My sister informs me all her major problems are due to men;
Menstruation, Menopause & Mental illness.

Can't help her with any of those.
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http://www.biketowbrisbane.com.au
waterbottle
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Jul 15, 2015 3:34 am

very quick ghezzie Laughing
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hookah
Montanarolo
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sun Jul 19, 2015 9:28 pm

A man his wife and two children were checking in to a motel.The man while registering ,says to the Clerk"I hope the porn is disabled".The Clerk looking surprised and a little disgusted says"No,it's just regular porn you sick bastard"!
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ScottMellor
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Fri Jul 31, 2015 4:05 pm

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Earl of Portchester
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Aug 05, 2015 12:40 pm

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah...She's purty good lookin'....."
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Earl of Portchester
Carlotto
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sun Aug 09, 2015 9:37 am

Bank Loan to a Scotsman 

A Scotsman walks into the Bank of England in Threadneedle Street, Central London and asks for the manager. He tells the manager that he is going to Australia on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The manager tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so Hamish hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the Log Book and everything checks out. The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's General Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scotsman for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, Hamish returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.

The manager says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

Hamish replies: "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return:"

Ah, the mind of the Scotsman....
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Grisonut
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sun Aug 09, 2015 3:22 pm

Well guys, I'm not all that comfortable to tell you this but I have to now...
I've been wetting my bed since childhood and during all these years (I'm 52 now) there has been no treatment for me to speak of or a drug to take but a shrink solved all my problems for good lately...
I still piss my bed but it's just that now.... I'M PROUD OF IT!!!!
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Daves-i-Know
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Sun Aug 09, 2015 5:17 pm

How many Vietnam Vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

(I don't know)

You don't know?! You don't know!!??That's right, man. You don't know. You don't know because you weren't there, man!!!!!
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Earl of Portchester
Carlotto
Carlotto


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Age : 48

PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Mon Aug 10, 2015 5:40 am

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.  She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
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Blue
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Aug 12, 2015 4:14 am

RIP Michael Stipe of R.E.M.
Only 2 people know he's dead.



That's me 'n the coroner.....
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Grisonut
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Aug 12, 2015 4:22 pm

a-ha !!^^^^^^
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Blue
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Aug 19, 2015 1:53 am

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
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Blue
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Aug 19, 2015 1:57 am



If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?




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Blue
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Aug 19, 2015 2:00 am

Have you ever walked 500 miles, have you ever been forced to walk 500 miles, you may be entitled to compensation, contact the Pro Claimers now!
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Blue
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Aug 19, 2015 2:01 am

Folk keep asking me, what'll the world be like five years from now?
Why ask me I say? I don't have 2020 vision!
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Blue
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Aug 19, 2015 2:04 am

A feminist asked me today how I view Lesbian relationships. Apparently "in HD" was not the answer she was looking for
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Blue
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Aug 19, 2015 2:08 am

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Sam's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Sam's fishing mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later, the three get to the camping site to find Sam sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered,
dinner cooking on the fire, and having a cold beer.

"Wow Sam, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'guess who?'
"I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a sheer nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
Well, she's been reading that book, "50 Shades of Gray."
On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want. ”
So, Here I am!
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Blue
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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Wed Aug 19, 2015 2:15 am

A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon says: “No, I’m travelling light.”


Later that night, the photon walked into the hotel with a neutrino. And for the next 60nanoseconds the neutrino complained how dark it was.




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PostSubject: Re: Just Jokes!   Today at 9:44 pm

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